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Dear Vox Machina: Ask Grog

Dear Vox Machina: Ask Grog

On behalf of the Tal’Dorei Times, I would like to personally apologize for the state of this week’s “Dear Vox Machina” column. Two of our editors quit after attempting to edit Mr. Strongjaw’s writing. I decided that it would be best to cease all attempts to edit in the hope of retaining the rest of my staff.

With sincerest apologies,

Beatrice Von Kliegel
Editor in Chief, Tal’Dorei Times


Mel-Eisvogel-@MonarchFisher-BDear Grog,
I need help. I can never remember how this goes, and I need to know the answer so I can tattoo it on my forearm when it comes up again. Okay. There are two doors, each with a guard. One door leads to a treasure room, and the other leads to certain death. One guard always tells the truth and one always lies. I can ask them one question to figure out which door leads where. I’ve been trying to figure this out myself, but it gives me a headache just thinking about it. What should I ask them?
~ My INT is a Pile of Moss

Deer Pyle of Poo –

Semple. Yu ask them to wok into eech uv their doors. Whoeva dudnt die, is en the trezuh room. If dey don’t comply, keel dem both and take der stuff. Den throw their bodees thru the doors, sit bak, and wotch whut happins.

Elimentry, my gewd man.

– gRog


Dear Grog,
This one orc in my clan is a real weirdo. He likes to pick flowers and sing ballads instead of pillaging and plundering like the rest of us. It’s disgusting! I feel like I need to say something to him about his human-like pacifist behavior. What should I say to him to get him to be more violent and aggressive? You know, to get him to be more normal?
~ Concerned For That One Orc

Dis cood be a blessing in deezguys. My pal SCANLAN luvs to pick up women and seng songs, too. Et usually maks us all fight betta when he iz senging. Howeva, if his songs r no gewd, or aboot the Washington Redskins, thin yew may need to ajust his beehayvyour.

Tri shaveng his beard if he haz one – that allwaize leeds to a gewd RAGE.



Dear Mr. Strongjaw,
Soldier A leaves Vasselheim at noon by horse and travels at a constant speed of 25 mph toward Emon. At the same time, Soldier B leaves Emon headed toward Vasselheim at a constant speed of 20 mph. If Vasselheim and Emon are 500 miles apart, at what time will the two soldiers pass each other?
~ Not Trying to Pass Off My Homework

Deer Pass Gas –


Man, I axtually had to keel the guy that read me dat letta. The answer is Soldyer C leaves my fist to bust yer stoopid face, dats yer answer. Also, stop creepin on deez soldyers and mine yer own bizness. Srsly, stalk much?

– gRog


Do you have any burning questions that you’re just dying to ask Grog? Ask them at your own risk in the comments!

Image credits: Amanda Oliver Elm, Mel Eisvogel


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