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Dear Vox Machina: Ask Victor The Gunpowder Merchant

Dear Vox Machina: Ask Victor The Gunpowder Merchant

Dear Readers,

We were hoping this week’s “Dear Vox Machina” questions would be answered by Pike, Vox Machina’s wise gnome cleric. Unfortunately, she was unavailable, and directed us to an associate of hers to answer questions on her behalf. In doing so, we learned something very important:

Don’t trust gnomes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Victor_Black_Powder_CdIe9MZXEAA83-3Dear Victor,

I’ve been seeing the same barber for a while now. He cut my father’s hair, and mine as a child. But I find that as I get older, he just can’t cut my hair the way I like, no matter how much I explain it. What’s a tactful way to break up with my barber?

~ Lopsided in Longriver

OH! Dear Lopsided…

How do YOU know how’s best to cut HAIR, huh?! Are YOU a BARBER?? Is hair YOUR place of expertise?!? You ever consider perhaps he is cutting hair RIGHT, and you just bad at knowing? NOPE. Find WISDOM in older age to appreciate ARTISANAL TRIMS!! If not, you no DESERVE hair! Hold head in firey oven til skin goes BLACK. No hair, no chance of failure, and no need for “bad barber.” EASY break-up! THERE! Problem solved, and scolding given. NEXT!!!!

Dear Victor,

A rakish vampire lord has caught the eye of my beloved and fellow party member, a half-elven sorceress with a low Wisdom. Now it seems like she’s fallen for him hard—she hangs on his every word, and when he asked her to kill our party’s cleric, she blasted Reverend Stonethunder into his component salts with a well-placed Disintegrate spell. How can I tell if she’s really forsaken me for this undead menace, or if she just keeps failing her saving throw?

~ Enervated in Evermeet

Enervated… ahh… could you, hehe, could you ELABORATE on what kiiinds of component salts? Please? TELL ME? What color salts? Does it haves odor, like cedar or old milk?! Is the texture coarse, or fiiine, like silt powder, eh?! DID YOU SAVE ANY, BOY?!? How much was produced?! How much did you recover?! Cleric salts hard to come by… HOW MUCH YOU CHARGE? TRADE?! I have things to trade. Come by and show me, hehe, and I MAKE an OFFER. Come to Braving Grounds! VASSELHEIM! Look for new roof on charcoal’d building. Bring bulk! I MAKE TEA!

Dear Guy Whose House Exploded,

I’m trying to think of names for my daughter. Is Leaf-Blower a good name for a baby girl? How about Rainbow-Trout? What would you suggest?

~ Happy Father In Waiting

Dear, eh… dear Happy,

I knew a “Leaf-Blower” 14 years ago. Leaf-Blower Thurmond, he was. Fine grin, but clever man! TOO clever. He ran bed-and-breakfast in Quadroads called The Wind’s Break, charged for “preeeemium morning meal.” TERRIBLE eggs!! Rubbery. TOUGH. Color off!!! Your daughter want to make TERRIBLE EGGS?!? HUH?!? I no think so. Rainbow Trout better by default. Stupid Leaf-Blower.

You want other name? I can GIVE you OTHER names, yes?! PRETTY ONES. “Smearchuckle” was Auntie’s name, means “instill happiness.” Sweet, yes? YOU CAN HAVE. OH! How ’bout “Earmite”? “Woodpile”? “Table”? …”Doorway”? Sometimes, you FIND inspiration simply by LOOKING AROUND!!

Best name for young lady?? YES?! Sweetest of ladies?!? Call her Victoria. BRING HER BY. I gift first satchel of black powder for free! ONLY FOR VICTORIA, not “Rainbow Trout.” Maybe also give for “Woodpile.” YOUR CHOICE!!!

Do you dare ask Victor for advice? Leave your questions in the comments!

Image credits: Ares Taveras, Kit Buss

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