This week’s issue of the Tal’Dorei Times has been severely limited due to a lack of budget because Miss Vex’ahlia demanded triple the payment of all other Vox Machina contributors. Our sources also report that she was seen berating her twin brother for not demanding more money for his previous article. The Tal’Dorei Times encourages you to visit our sponsors so that we can recoup our losses in the next issue.
I was dungeon delving with my best pal when we found this beautiful jeweled necklace. She thinks she should get to keep it because she disarmed the trap, but I think I should keep it because I located the dungeon, plus I touched it first. We were best friends, but now all we do it argue over who gets to keep the necklace. How can we settle this?
~ It Looks Prettier On Me
This is a question I personally deal with far too often. The fact of the matter is–and this is something I’ve only fully realized over the last few months–few things are more important than friendship. You two have been through so much together! Wearing an enchanted bauble is not worth contaminating your relationship. My suggestion is that you send the small troublesome trifle to me, and I’ll take it off your hands. Please address it to:
Care Of: Vex’ahlia, The Attractive Twin
My in-laws are coming to visit. How do I convince them that nobody is home and they should go away? I’m perfectly fine with faking our deaths, but I would prefer to not actually burn down our house if possible.
~ My Mother In Law is a Slime Demon
Are you kidding me?! Do you know how much some people would love to have any kind of parent in their life that deems them worthy of a visit? I think you should make your home look freakin’ amazing, charm the ever-loving pants off those slime demons (winks work wonders), and reap the rewards of your surprised and thankful spouse. That is, unless your in-laws are ACTUAL slime demons. In which case, just burn it down. Burn it all down. Those dudes are nasty.
I’m a newly turned werewolf, but I’m getting rather tired of the moon cycles regulating my social life. My friends don’t want to be around me during the full moon time because they’re afraid I’m going to eat them. How can I convince them that I’m not going to tear them to shreds so that they’ll spend more time with me?
~ Flustered and Fluffy
PS: Can you recommend a good hair conditioner?
Dear Cutie Fluffybutt,
What a mess you’re in! What you need to ask yourself is, “How much control do I really have?” WILL you tear your friends to bits? Or even just slightly maim them? If you paused AT ALL in consideration, I think you should seriously consider a small stay-cation during those particular moon cycles. Read a book! Paint your claws! Really take care of that new beautiful mane! By the way, I highly recommend Gilmore’s Glorious Conditioner. Not only do I use it, but so does my adorable friend Trinket. He’s got a TON of hair, and it always looks majestic.
Do you require advice from Vox Machina’s ranger? Ask Vex your questions in the comments!