In the cardboard jungle, we come across a vibrant lot of characters spanning a wealth of settings. Everything is represented–from scarred dragons to malevolent alien gods–yet, many of the less boisterous individuals are overlooked. We’re here to direct that spotlight onto those most deserving, the chosen few who demand attention and accolades for their noteworthy roles. This is truly the tabletop A-Team, albeit with less explosions but just as much attitude.
The Princess (Love Letter)
Unrequited love is the subject of moving poetry and epic song. Yet place yourself in the glass slippers of the princess of Tempest who has locked herself away in her tower. Clearly, all she desires is peace and quiet, yet she’s being assailed every hour with heaps of junk mail full of citizens professing their devotion.
Her wants and desires are completely neglected over the course of this little card game and someone needs to make a stand and fight for what’s right. This princess is perfectly content with her Facebook relationship status and it’s time you move on, post-haste.
The Caylus Guy (Caylus)
This apparently smug, arrogant prick is actually one of the most affable, cheery individuals in the realm. Beyond his hard exterior, he’s more akin to Funshine Bear than Revenant Bear and is ready to burst at the seams with a tidal wave of affection.
Let’s look at the facts. This dude is paying an overly generous amount of his personal wealth to develop the county. Sure he’s going to be sitting in a nice fancy new castle, but its main function is to protect the peasantry. Meanwhile the surrounding villages and infrastructure will get a much needed boost to propel local business and lubricate the slide of trickle-down economics. You also can’t overlook the fact that he dons the most suave duds in the kingdom.
The complete lack of respect for his benevolence stops here.
The Robber (Catan)
This “lawbreaker” is doing all he can to keep his family going. Sure, he’s skimming a spare sheep here and a spare brick there, but the development titans of the island are doing fine and dandy on their own. While they’re tearing up the countryside to pave roads and erect cities, someone has to live that blue collar lifestyle and kids gotta eat.
Look, Robin Hood had an army of minstrels plucking away at instruments to recount his tales, the dark bandit of Catan at the very least deserves some recognition for his plight. Give the guy a break and offer a salute next time he filches your wheat or ore.
The House (Flash Point: Fire Rescue)
Over the course of an hour, a homely dwelling will suffer raging inferno and likely collapse meeting impending doom. This modest ranch was built in ’55 and has survived termites, an earthquake, and even eminent domain. Now a group of meth-heads move in and it secures the role of re-enacting the Towering Inferno for the rest of eternity?
So those firefighters are trying to save people’s lives, but what about the decadent plaster walls they’re chopping through?
Bob (T.I.M.E Stories)
You gut out several hours of time travel confronting a group of loony’s in the crazy bin and this guy just keeps digging into your ribs with criticism after criticism.
“You failed again?”
“You’re supposed to save Marcy, you idiots.”
“Maybe board games just aren’t your thing. I know, let’s have a spelling contest.”
You want to slap him across the mouth and shove him into a caisson (whatever the hell that is). But hold the phone. Take a deep breath and think about the enormous pressure this guy must be under for him to exert such stress. You think Bob is bad? Well thankfully you’ve never met his supervisor, Walter. Next time thank Bob for keeping you motivated and not being as big a dunderhead as Walter.
What supporting cast members did I miss? Which are your favorite? Would our games be the same without them? Let us know in the comments below!
Picture by AEG, Rio Grande Games, Catan, Indie Boards & Cards, Tric Trac
Cover image by Catan