Apart from actually watching the movies, there are fewer things both more fun and more intriguing than theorizing about the Star Wars universe. Some theories (like Rey’s background) are interesting, where others explore more oddball angles.
Here’s a few theories that we’ve stumbled across that are so terrible, they just might be true. WARNING: The Force Awakens spoilers below!
1. Jar Jar Binks isn’t a bumbling idiot, but rather a very powerful Sith Lord.
Reddit user Lumpawarroo put together a remarkably believable theory that suggests Jar Jar isn’t the bumbling idiot he superficially appears to be.
Beyond demonstrating Jar Jar’s usage of martial arts skills, force-propelled jumps, Jedi mind tricks and mockery of Qui-Gon to undermine him in the eyes of Anakin, he goes on to suggest that Jar Jar may also be to Anakin what Yoda was to Luke, and that the Gungan himself may be Palpatine’s master.
Don’t think it’s plausable? Watch the video and then let us know.
2. Padme didn’t die of a broken heart; Palpatine influenced her midi-chlorians (ugh!) to kill her.
This theory, by Joey Tavano, is terrible for two reasons. First, it reminds us of the clunky dialogue of the prequels, and second, it reminds us that midi-chlorians are a thing in this universe. Basically, Joey implies that Padme’s death was orchestrated by the Emperor through his manipulation of the midi-chlorians to sever her connection to the living force. The droids can’t explain why Padme, who is otherwise biologically healthy is dying.
Joey’s explaination is that the Emperor kills Padme to secure Vader as his apprentice. The second part of the theory also suggests that Darth Sidious himself pulls the same trick to kill Vader at the end of Return of the Jedi, severing Anakin’s connection and causing him to die in the same way.
3. Porkins is Snoke.
In a universe where Jar Jar is a Sith master, and midi-chlorian manipulation is the kick-off to Luke’s life, Porkins being Snoke doesn’t seem that far-fetched.
The theory goes that Porkins actually survived his near-fatal explosion (not so unbelievable when you consider Poe and Finn both surviving a rather spectacular crash) and that he is taken into the fold of the Empire in a similar way to the indoctrination Finn went through as a child. The explosion burned him so badly he’s covered in scars and left bald.
Angry at Luke and his former Rebel compatriots at being left behind, he vows to get his revenge and rises to power, eventually rising to become Supreme Leader of the First Order.
Also: there’s this:
‘Porkins’ and ‘Snoke’ have a lot of the same letters, is all I’m saying. #TheForceAwakens
— Saladin Ahmed (@saladinahmed) December 19, 2015
4. Technology is very advanced and there’s this magic thing called the Force in the universe, so Han could survive that.
Forbes put together a list of reasons why Han could survive his confrontation with Kylo. Included among the reasons is that Luke survived a rather similar situation; Leia, using her precognitive force powers and knowing Han would have a less-than-happy confrontation with Kylo had a contingency plan in place, and that maybe Han could get himself a set of cybernetic legs like Darth Maul.
It’s far fetched, but deep inside, we really do want them to be true.
5. Finn is a Skywalker.
Let’s go back and set the stage for what happens at the end of Empire Strikes Back: Han is being frozen in carbonite, Leia tells him she loves him, he responds coldly. Let’s be honest: he didn’t put a ring on it, and for all intents and purposes, he’s probably dead to her at that point.
Now let’s look at who might be there to comfort Leia? None other than the charmer himself, Lando.
A descendant of Vader through Leia, he himself may just be a Skywalker.
It’s terrible because the notion of the only coloured characters being related is flat and done, but also plausible simply looking at the emotional drama. Also: what better way would there be for Lando to get back at Han for stealing away the Falcon?
What do you think about these terrible theories? Got one of your own? Post it below!
Featured Image: LucasFilm (Fair Use)
Image Credits: LucasFilm (Fair Use)