Mass Effect: Andromeda is a month away and Bioware has been teasing fans with new bits about the story, gameplay, teammates, and new races of aliens. If you’re anything like me then this is driving you nuts because you just want to be playing the gosh-darn game already. You just have to remind yourself that March 21st isn’t that far way.
With all this teasing that Bioware is doing, they released a new race: the Angara. Naturally that means one should be a companion and that Angara is Jaal:
People have gone nuts over this new alien and are already talking about wanting him to be super “bangable.” Anyone familiar with Bioware games knows that they can basically be in-depth dating simulators and that they’ve made some pretty sexy aliens in the past. Oh, Mordin. Why could I not experiment with thee?
But with all the sexy aliens, there are certainly some that give us the opposite reaction to wanting to bone. Here are 5 aliens in Mass Effect series that you seriously DO NOT want to get it on with. (Or maybe you do. We’re not here to judge.)
Vorcha (Mass Effect)
Vorcha are scummy, terrifying mercenaries, and usually enemy fodder in Mass Effect. They look like their flesh may be rotting, they often have beady red eyes, holes in their head, and sharp teeth that resemble the vampires from The Strain. These aliens are far from attractive and they usually don’t have smooth and sexy voices, so forget the possibility of any sexy talk or wooing because their personality is just that great. I’ll let you in on a secret, it’s not. They’re a bunch of jerks every time. The biggest benefit to being friends with these guys is using their mercenary groups to fight back in the final battle in Mass Effect 3.
Xeltan (Mass Effect)
In Mass Effect, you come across a species known as the Elcor, elephant-like creatures who speak in a monotone while describing the emotions they are expressing. It’s a long running joke in the franchise that they put on an entire production of Hamlet and the very thought of how painful that would be gives me one hell of a headache. But that doesn’t make them the worst thing and the descriptors they use makes them at least semi-endearing.
It’s really just one, annoying Elcor ambassador, Xeltan. When you first meet this guy, he doesn’t want to talk to you, at all because he went to see an Escort (called the consort in game). He is distraught, whiny, and thinks that she’s going to blackmail him (spoiler alert, she’s not). Not only did he go to see the most famous Escort on the Citadel, but he also complained about what it might do to his reputation. What did you think would happen when everyone is aware of who she and who her regulars are? Just what? Politicians, am I right?
Preaching Hanar (Mass Effect)
Hanar are a race of giant, Jellyfish-like creatures that have developed a religion devoted to an ancient alien race, the Protheans. Their sole purpose is to live a religious and pious life devoted to “The Enkindlers.” Once again, they are not the worst, but this Preaching Hanar was annoying. All he wants to do is yell at people in the Citadel about his religious beliefs (and if you’ve ever been to a convention then you know how well that does NOT work). Nothing is less sexy than a being who can’t do things for themselves. Also, this quest is tedious and boring.
Yahg (Mass Effect 2)
The Shadow Broker always sounded so mysterious and potentially a bit sexy. He knows everything there is in the galaxy, has agents everywhere to act as his eyes and ears, and he only trades in secrets. A man with that kind of power has to be ready to get down, right? Well, he might want to but you sure won’t. The Yahg is an older alien race that you don’t encounter much in the Mass Effect franchise but they ain’t pretty. They look like a J.J. Abrams dream of an alien infused with the devil from Legend. While that devil may be Tim Curry, remember that I said infused with a J.J. Abram style alien and those look like this:
The second you come across a Yahg, do not pass Go, do not collect 200 dollars; in fact, just remove yourself from that playing field entirely and Run. The. Hell. Away.
Volus (Mass Effect)
The Volus aren’t the most attractive race, as far as the eye can tell, as they are always in protective suits so they don’t get sick and literally die much like the Quarians (difference being that Quarians are super sexy). But what really makes them terrible is that a) a majority of them hate humans for incredibly petty reasons and b) they are greedy little buggers. They’re basically the antagonistic dwarves of the Milky Way.
Every single one you come across wants money from you or for you to help them get their money back. They’re also often racist. You come across one Volus who insists that a Quarian stole from him just because she’s a Quarian on her Pilgrimage (a trip to find new technology and bring it back to their homes). Then there’s Jahleed in Mass Effect 1 who insists that his partner, Chorban, is trying to murder him because the little prick actually stole from Chorban! They’re just super shady, greedy, and they’re unattractive.
Any Mass Effect aliens that grossed you out so bad that you thought about going back to humans for at least a second? Or who are your favorite aliens to romance? Let us know in the comments!
Featured Image Credit: Bioware/EA.
Blog Image Credits: Bioware/EA, Paramount Pictures.