We’re all super excited for the return of Mystery Science Theater 3000, the show that took some of the worst movies and made them watchable by adding an intelligent–and generally insulting–commentary. What’s even more exciting is that the new series stars Geek & Sundry’s own Felicia Day as Dr. Clayton Forrester’s daughter Kinga Forrester.
Now I have no idea what movies the new series will riff, but here are three suggestions of some remarkably terrible films that deserve to get the MST3K treatment:
Escape From Tomorrow
Escape From Tomorrow is anything but a Disney movie. The story is about a family who gets separated while on vacation at the happiest place on earth. The protagonist Jim get fired while in his hotel room, then proceeds to hallucinate for reasons I won’t spoil because you deserve to discover this absolutely stupid reason for yourself. Each of the family members start having very strange encounters throughout the parks. I’ve never walked out on a movie in a theater. Escape From Tomorrow came really close, and the only reason I didn’t leave was because I’d already paid to see it. That and my buddy was my ride home.
However, what’s worth noting is how the film was made. The production was actually filmed over multiple trips into Disneyland parks using handheld consumer cameras. Disney was completely unaware of the filming. But when the filming process is more interesting than the film itself, you know you have an excellent MST3K candidate.
I used to date this one guy with whom I would watch terrible movies. He showed me Birdemic, which would’ve made this list had it not already been on Rifftrax. One day, he challenged me to watch Steven Seagal’s Attack Force and actually be able to follow what was happening. I was up for the challenge. I’d show him!
Boy was I wrong.
I’m not even sure how to explain it, so I’m going to get a little help from Wikipedia as a reminder. Seagal plays Marshal Lawson, the leader of an elite military unit. Three of his men are suddenly killed and he needs to find out why. There are also vampires. Hot lady vampires. Except they aren’t vampires? They’ve consumed some kind of secret military-produced drug that makes them vampire-like. I remember it was very difficult to tell who was fighting whom, and Seagal mumbles throughout the entire film, so I had no idea what he was saying most of the time.
Double Down / I Am Here…Now / Fateful Findings
The reason why Neil Breen’s films round out the list is not because I’ve actually seen any of these movies. It’s because I watched my friend give a play-by-play of his own descent into madness while watching multiple Neil Breen movies via Facebook. Here are a few quotes from the endeavor:
Neil Breen has been hit by a car… but… now he’s been saved by a magical rock. I feel like I saw another movie with a magical rock. Oh yeah… ANOTHER NEIL BREEN MOVIE! How does this man think rocks work? We are less than 10 minutes in
Common themes of Neil Breen films: Bra-less women, repeated lines of dialogue, and typing into laptops… that aren’t on.
A drinking game tells me to take a drink every time Neil Breen saves the world. How could this possibly happen in this movie about an author suffering head trauma and OH MY GOD NOW HE’S BECOME AN ANTI-ESTABLISHMENT COMPUTER HACKER
Need I say more?
What movies do you want to see ripped apart in the new Mystery Science Theater 3000? Share your picks in the comments!
Featured image credit: Shout! Factory LLC